Ep. 132 | What Your Judgments Reveal About You

Jun 30

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What if the people frustrating you most are actually revealing where you still need to grow?

In this episode of the 100xLife Podcast, Rob Dayton walks listeners through a powerful coaching session on one of the biggest obstacles to becoming more like Jesus:

Judgment.

Most of us think our judgments are about other people. But what if the frustrations, complaints, and assumptions we carry toward others are actually exposing the areas where we still need growth?

Rob unpacks why our judgments often reveal the unresolved struggles within ourselves and how learning to pay attention to those reactions can become one of the greatest pathways toward increasing our capacity to love.

Through practical coaching exercises and guided journaling, Rob walks listeners through a process of learning how to:

Recognize the judgments occupying your mind
Identify the complaints shaping your perspective
Evaluate whether those judgments are actually true
Expose what those frustrations may be revealing about you
Use those moments as opportunities to grow your capacity to love

This episode challenges listeners to stop seeing judgment as something to suppress and start seeing it as an invitation into transformation. Because every judgment we make has the potential to reveal where love is still being limited inside of us.

And if God’s ultimate goal is teaching us to love like Him, then the people frustrating you most might actually be exposing your next opportunity for growth.

If you’ve been struggling with difficult relationships, frustration toward others, or wanting to grow deeper in becoming more like Jesus, this episode will challenge the way you think about judgment entirely.

You’ll Hear

• Why judgments often reveal more about us than the people we criticize
• How complaints expose the hidden stories we’re telling ourselves
• Why Jesus connected judgment, forgiveness, and condemnation so closely
• How judgment quietly limits our capacity to love others
• The dangerous habit of believing every story your brain creates
• Why difficult relationships often reveal your own unresolved struggles
• How to use judgment as a tool for personal growth instead of division
• A practical journaling exercise to uncover where love is being restricted
• Why God is always expanding our ability to love like Him

Journal Prompts

• Jesus, which relationship am I currently limiting love because of my judgment of that person?
• Holy Spirit, show me how this judgment is pointing back to me and my own behavior.

Recommended Reading

Loving What Is by Byron Katie
A powerful framework for understanding how our thoughts and judgments shape the way we experience others and ourselves.

Beyond High Performance by Jason Jaggard
A transformational framework for moving beyond performance thinking and asking a better question: What am I capable of?

Welcome to the 100X Life Podcast, where we activate people who desire to live the words of Jesus and experience the abundant life He promises. I'm your host, Rob Dayton, and I hope this podcast inspires you to put in the work of following Jesus.
Hey, 100X lifers. Welcome back to the podcast. I hope you had a great week. I want to talk to you today, another coaching session today about judgments. our judgments about others are the pathway to growth and becoming someone more capable of love. That's what we're going to talk about today.
Remember last week we had a little coaching session on what are you capable of? That's the question we introduced from Jason Jager's book Beyond High Performance. And we talked about how there are a number of questions that you're asking that you're probably not even aware of those questions, which could be something like How do I do enough to get by? How do I do a good job? How do I become the best at something?
They're all questions we're asking based on how much effort we want to give a thing. And in the space of churchianity and Christianity and where we're trying to grow in the things of God, we can ask those questions. What's the least I have to do to actually get by or to implement this word of Jesus into my life? And even the question, how do I become the best? which kind of sounds pretty good.
can actually be an impediment as well. And what are you capable of is such a more powerful question. Remember, we're talking about love and all of God's design, his design of the triune being, his design of time, his design of marriage, of procreation, of relationship, all his designs that he's placed us in this realm of planet Earth are all to increase our capability of love.
God is love and we're increasing in our ability to be his kids, to love like him. We're created in his image. And if we're going to live in his image, we will live a life of love. that was last week's coaching session. this week's coaching session, we're gonna get into judgments because judgments become the biggest impediments.
To loving others. And judgments become a doorway to an upgrade of love if we look at it that way. but typically we don't. Typically, what we're doing is we're looking at judgments and they get in the way. They become the limitations of our love. We actually withhold love of others. we're gonna be emphasizing words of Jesus.
number eight, which is forgive, number nine, do not judge, and number ten, do not condemn, because all three are in play. And remember, when we focus on judgments of others, we are typically living in unforgiveness where we are making condemnations about others. And remember, Jesus' play was that we also would practice forgiveness. He was so
Precise about this. He was so insistent upon it in his ministry. And then become the housing of Holy Spirit, we actually have the authority to forgive or not. And according to Jesus at the end of John, when he breathed on his disciples, he says, Now whomever you forgive will be forgiven, whoever you don't forgive will not be forgiven. That is a pretty crazy.
Authority that we have. And so he's saying, Hey, if you're gonna be my kids, if you're gonna walk in becoming like us, walking in our in the image we've created you be, you have to walk in forgiveness. And when we judge, it's an indication that we're not walking in forgiveness, and then also, as Jesus says, Do not judge lest you be judged, and so.
What that is saying is that our judgment of others are actually in an indication where we're falling short. other words, do not judge lest you be judged. We actually position ourselves from judgment with our judgments of other people. so our judgments about others are extremely revealing about ourselves.
you could look at this as a good thing or a bad thing. I'm gonna say, let's look at it as a good thing. We're you can't change your judgments, or you will over time as you reprogram your brain, but your judgments are going to come. They're always gonna come. The question is, what do you do with the judgments? What I'm inviting you into in this coaching call is to see your judgment and actually flip it on its head and say, this is the area.
That I can grow in of love the most by paying attention to our judgments because our judgments reveal where we're limiting our ability to love others. So noticing our judgment, that's gonna be a pathway to growth. That's what this whole coaching call is about. So, first off, like I said, you're gonna have judgments. Your brain.
Is feeding you stories all day long. The judgments are arising. And that's particularly because the brain wants to understand why anyone is behaving the way they're behaving. what this is, is this is the design of God making sure that we well up our capacity to love. So
Our judgments that are arising in our brain give us that opportunity to grow in love, and they are indicators of where we're falling short. That's powerful. So the first step is to simply become aware of the judgments your brain is feeding you. If you can do that step, man, you've got so much power and authority because now we can make a decision.
If I can notice the judgments that are coming up in my brain, now I've got so many opportunities. I can evaluate that judgment to see if it's true, and we're going to do that together. or I can see that judgment as like, okay, this is an area where I'm actually limiting my of loving someone else. I'm actually cutting off relationship with this judgment. So the first thing, just become aware of your judgments, and then we're going to start.
Evaluating our judgments, actually considering them and whether they're true or not. Most judgments are not based on truth, they're based on suppositions. And as Jesus said, they're probably based more on our own behavior than they are about anyone else's. But what they do is they typically are false narratives about other people's behavior and they tend to cast them in a negative light.
And thereby we tend to, when we judge other people, we start to move in justification of our own behavior and distinguishing why we're not like them. We're either better than them or we're worse than them. And so our judgments really get us into trouble because they cut us off from seeing people as people just like us who are going through life with struggles just like us, who are being hurt.
Just like us. judgments cut us off from actually seeing people the way we experience life. We're on an equal footing. We are not better than, we're not less than. We're on an equal footing. And so paying attention to the judgments and then evaluating them are gonna be our best way to move into love. So here's some examples, you know, of of ways that judgments arise with people that actually point to.
their own behavior.
Rob Dayton (07:24)
So just some examples of this and where it might manifest. I'll do one external, and we all know about pastors and the the laundry list of pastors who have fallen into adultery. It's like it's pretty crazy. Christianity today is actually just chooses the stories to tell because they're told so many stories of pastors falling into adultery. And one of the things that's really interesting about
a pastor who's talking about porn or is as talking about adultery from the pulpit is that they can actually be very harsh on people and really overemphasize adultery or overemphasize porn. And that's an indication of them themselves actually doing it. give you an a another example just in my own life, just you know, instead of pointing fingers at others, what what about my own life?
Well, one of the things that's interesting about my relationship with Jedediah, my son, he's 23, and we're sharing a lot of our tools. I have a judgment about Jed being messy and not being orderly with the tools. He doesn't he's not putting them back. and so this is kind of interesting because that's exactly what I did when I was a kid.
So it's interesting about these judgments. They point back to us. Here's another example is my hate for divorce. when I'm working with men primarily on a divorce issue, I can get very upset. And what I've learned is that frustration with someone who wants to move forward with divorce is actually a reflection of my own failure in marriage when I got a divorce.
Isn't that interesting? So our judgments are actually pointing back to us. When we judge others, we're actually judging ourselves. That is the huge notice. So in all three of these cases, the judgments are limiting the capacity of my love, or in the case of the pastor, the love of his congregation in terms of forgiving his congregation or forgiving others who are caught in porn or caught in adultery.
It's like you're you're pointing your finger at someone and three fingers are pointing back. Same with me in Jed. In that negative story I'm telling about him is actually an obstacle where I'm withholding love to Jed. I can I can be very frustrated and get really why aren't you cleaning up these tools? And that's that becomes an impediment to my love for him. So that's what we're trying to prevent. That's what we want to.
Make sure that we stay dialed into. Remember, this is all about growing our capacity to love and these judgments becoming an opportunity for us to notice where we're limiting love and how we're withholding love. And then also where we're judging ourselves, where we're already upset with ourselves. So let's do some coaching work, and let's expose a powerful way for you to grow. Let's go. So grab a journal.
I want to ask you some questions and have you journal some stuff. This work comes primarily from Byron Katie's process of loving what is, that love what is is the book where this comes from. It's a very powerful process of exposing judgments and recognizing where they are more likely about us. So that's why we're using it. It fits perfectly with Jesus' view of judgments and how they're getting in the way of our capacity to love. So
Get a journal, let's write some things down and let's actually do the work and exercise. If we exercise and we actually do some some journaling and actually pen to paper on some things, not just listen to something, but actually do some work on it, more likely we're gonna be transformed. That's our goal. We wanna live the behaviors of love. The 100x life is all about living the words of Jesus. And judgments are a really
Powerful understanding, a way to understand where we're not living the behaviors of love. Okay, so first, complaints. Complaints. Complaints are a great indication of our judgments. So who are you complaining about right now? So think of a person in your life that's occupying a lot of headspace for you, and you've told yourself a negative story about someone and
You're fully convinced that story is true. And now you're probably talking to your spouse about it or you're talking to other people about it. That's what happens with these complaints. The the judgment rises up from our brain, and then we have the option of believing that judgment or re-evaluating or just believing it completely. And then we start operating that judgment. Our imaginations get in line. So our mind gets in line with the judgment our brain brings up.
The mind gives the capacity of choice. It has the capacity to interpret meaning of something. So it interprets the meaning as true. And then it actually has imaginations about that person, which bring emotional experiences to us, frustration. And then we start withholding love for that person. That's how this works. So have you got a person written in your in your journal? What what is who's the person you're complaining about? So write their name down and then
What is it that you'd like to change about them or have them behave differently? This is a real key to judgments. What would you like to change about them?
Rob Dayton (12:33)
So an example of so you're writing a phrase about the person I'm complaining about, John, because he's always late. Maybe that's what you're writing down. We can use my example here. I complain about Jedediah because he does not put things away after using my tools. He doesn't clean up after himself. So that that could be the complaint I have. So we're gonna ask that question, who are you complaining about? Because that is the easiest way to understand who we have a judgment about.
So go ahead and write that down. Whatever your example is. Okay, now we're going to do the second step, which is we're just going to ask the simple question. It's very simple. It's a yes and no answer. Is that true? Is it true Jedediah not put his things away after using my tools? Now, my my first cut reaction is yes, that's totally true. So
Then we ask the follow-up question. ask yourself that question, is it true? You're gonna say yes or no. So go ahead and write it, yes or no. And then we ask the follow-up question, which is can we absolutely know that that's true? And this is where it gets a little bit more cloudy for me, because I'm like, well, okay, sometimes he does put his things away. Sometimes they are organized. So maybe it isn't true that every time he takes his the tools, he uses my tools, he doesn't put them back.
Okay. So can you absolutely know it's true? My answer in this case might be no. Yours might still be yes. That's fine. the first question is going to create an awareness of the judgment we have of someone. And then the follow-up questions, they help us evaluate the judgment to understand how it's blocking our capacity to love. That's what we're doing in this work.
So if we ask if a judgment's true or not, we begin the evaluation process of that judgment, and that's where it's going to become a resource for you. Here's the next step. And you're going to journal this. Who would you be without that thought? Who would you be without that thought? Now it's kind of interesting because I have this thought about Jedediah pretty often because I'm walking into the garage.
And I have we have this place with the it's a bench with a space and all our tools are in the bench and up above and around. And what I'm constantly coming into is I'm into that space and the workbench is cluttered with tools. So I'm having to clean them up before I put them away. And so would I be without that thought? Well, I can tell you that if I didn't have that thought, I wouldn't be dealing with any anger or frustration.
Maybe my heart would be more pure to Jedediah. I wouldn't be thinking in the background, man, if you just put these tools away, man, what when are you going to learn all these thoughts that create this negative emotion and anxiety? And then again, that is what they're doing is they're they're inhibiting our ability to love. So who would you be without the thought or complaint that you're having about that person? And can you see how believing the thought itself?
Is actually limiting your ability to love that person. Okay, so here's the next step: is we're gonna do Byron Katie calls a turnaround. So the next step is we're gonna replace the judgment with something else that might be more true or just truer, it might be true or truer than the statement that we came up with. So we're gonna simply restate the judgment.
And this is gonna sound a little strange at first, but please try to do this exercise because it's gonna be helpful. So, in the example, my example, so just so you can track, Jedediah does not put away things after using my tools. Okay. So the turnaround would be Jedediah does put things away after using my tools. Is that true? Is that true? Or is it truer than my other statement? Is the question I'm asking myself.
And then the next turnaround might be I don't put away things after using my tools. Is that true or truer than the first statement? And then another turnaround might be I put things away after using my tools. Now, the turnaround is purposefully to get us to evaluate how this judgment is really about us and a shortcoming that we have within us. And
When I do those turnarounds, here's what I can tell you is that first of all, I did not put away my tools. In fact, my father used to complain about me not putting away his tools when I was a kid. And I used to get so frustrated with myself when I couldn't. I just like didn't have this capacity to put away my tools. And I actually shamed myself into I will absolutely have a neat, orderly.
workspace. And then my track record on that neat orderly workspace is pretty mixed. I would say it's about 50-50. In fact, Nancy's usually the one cleaning my desk and making it orderly because I tend to leave things out because I want to, I think they're important and I want to reference them. And same with those tools, I just leave them out because I'm going to use them again. Same with cooking. I just leave them out because I want to use them again. And I catastrophized within myself about putting things away.
And so, really, what this turnaround is pointing to is that person I'm frustrated with most is me and my inability to put away tools. And when Jed does the thing, what's most true is that this is about me and my inability and struggle, lifelong struggle, with putting away things after I'm done with them. Isn't that interesting?
So we're gonna evaluate all the statements and let's just say the statement, the original statement, which was my complaint, Jededai does not put away things after using my tools, is I would say true, but truer, a truer statement is I don't put things away after using my tools. That's the truer statement, and actually that's the core that's getting me into this angst and negative feelings towards Jed that is born completely out.
Of myself. Isn't that fascinating? So in my case, two of these are more true. So I put things away after using my tool, and I don't put things away after using my tools. Those are the two things that are most true. They're truer than my original statement. And this is why we want to do this. We're exposing the judgment again as an impediment to loving others. So we want to expose that.
And we want to grow in love. And so me thinking this about Jededai is restricting, it's distorting our relationship. And relationship is the place where love exists and it's where it's practiced. If we limit a relationship with judgment, we're actually inhibiting our capability of love. So this is, I hope you do this exercise. Get in your journal and do this. Try it with a number of people.
And if you're stuck, here's a journal prompt. Jesus, which relationship am I currently limiting love because of my judgment of that person? Let me say that again. Jesus, which relationship am I currently limiting love because of my judgment of that person?
And then the next journal question is, Holy Spirit, show me how this judgment is pointing back to me and my own behavior. And you could use the work we just went through. So the the questions are: first you you say, I'm complaining about whoever that name is, and here's why I'm complaining. This is my judgment against them. And then you're asking yourself, is that true? Just yes or no? Or next question, can I absolutely know that that's true? Again.
Don't try to make an excuse, just yes or no. And then who would you be without that judgment or without that thought? And then you're gonna do the turnaround, which you're actually tr changing the judgment and pushing it back on you in different ways to test if that is actually more true. Remember, behind every judgment you have is this pathway to a greater love capacity.
So we we don't want to just eliminate judgments or we don't want to just you know capture the thought. We want to have that thought actually work in our favor. So when you capture a judgment about someone else, think about how is this related to me? So you're not just eliminating the judgment, but you're actually fixing the thing within you that is eliminating your relationships. I hope that's helpful. Do the work and we'll see you next week.